English man in Font

In the past couple of weeks things have been rather busy for me. Sara left on a 3 month adventure in India, I’ve released my film, I’ve then had to deal with the problems that came with that, but I have actually been training too. It’s a very sad fact that I haven’t touched rock more than once since returning from France. My vision has been bobbing up and down like the sea, with some days everything seeming very clear and other days everything appearing to be a kaleidoscope of confusion.

The underlying current that flows beneath everything is my desire to return to Branson and climb Radja. Yesterday Tyler told me he was going and I knew (almost beyond doubt) that he would do it. It was inspiring for me because I was on my board training for Radja, whilst I knew he was standing in front of the real thing. When I found out he crushed it, it only served to deepen my inspiration and focus. My body is feeling quite strong at the moment along with my mind, but all this goal setting and goal reaching is quite taxing. I’m also reticent to say that I am sure I can do Radja (but I’m saying it anyway!). Perhaps I’m scared to admit that I think that. I’m absolutely sure that it’s not beyond my current level of strength, skill, dexterity, and mental resolve. This confidence, however, has a strange effect on my preparation, not only in my training, but also in what I think I will feel when I get there to try it. In some ways it takes something away from the eventual ascent. It sounds rather strange, but the best feeling of success is when you are unsure of certain victory, when it comes as a flash of inspiration. This is so clearly exemplified by my reaction to two very different boulder problems (as seen in my film). When I topped out on Partage I was ecstatic, because I had approached it tentatively but then realised it was possible, then realised that possibility by getting to the top. When I reached the top of Fata Morgana I wasn’t pleased at all, which is sad in some ways, but good in other ways. I knew I should have climbed that boulder problem over 2 years ago, and the feeling of success that I did have was not ecstasy, it was relief. I was relieved to not have to go back to do it, like I was laying it to rest. I didn’t enjoy that feeling very much. But it did show good mental resolve, and so that is the one thing I can be positive about. The climbing experience may not have been positive, but I’m happy I didn’t just decide to leave it. There is some sort of similar experience now occuring with Radja. I do know that I can do it, which might seem a brazen claim, but I’m arrogant (read; know my ability well) enough to be able to make that statement. But this isn’t like Fata Morgana. This isn’t like a problem I’m sure I can do. This is something else. This is Fred Nicole’s test piece. This is the world’s first 8B+ and I sincerely hope it will be my first too. Just writing these words gives me a good feeling inside… Thinking about being stood on top of that boulder fills me with joy. That is why this is different. It’s almost a complete process now, since I’m sure I can do it, but I need to prove to myself that I can actually do it. This cycle will be complete when these words turn in to actions. Hopefully that will be sooner rather than later.

Something that is slightly external to the above process is the macro cycle in which the above micro cycle exists. I set goals, I train for them, and I hope to achieve them. Once I do, I set more goals and begin the process all over again. But by zooming out a little, it becomes apparent that these are all subsets of one major goal. But what is that major goal? When I first started climbing I had dreams, somewhat naive and convoluted dreams, but dreams never the less. When I first started trad climbing, I knew that E10 was the highest possible grade and it was E10 where I aimed. Why? Because that’s what I do, that’s all I know. I just aim for the top and try to get there. Clearly as you move along these life long goals you begin to learn more, about yourself, about the process which you’ve undertaken, and about the meaning of your goals. When I began to learn about bouldering I learned that somewhere far away a man had done an 8C and although it was only an abstract concept at that point I aimed for it. That 8C was Dreamtime, which is now only 8B+. I’ve now been to that bloc, and it is both beautiful and inspiring, but it no longer remains my object of desire. Through climbing I’ve realised that what I find fascinating is the move. The process of finding out just how hard a move it’s possible to do. How small can the holds go? How bad can they be? How far apart can they realistically get? Clearly these questions are both answerable (or interpretable) on both a subjective and an objective scale. What can be achieved and what can I achieve? When I set out in climbing I genuinely thought I could reach the top. Then I began my process of learning, and I began to realise that to reach the top you have to be in the 99th percentile (by definition). Part of the ingredients for reaching that percentile are out of my individual control, such as my particular body shape, my tendon insertions, the composition of my muscle fibres, and these are factors that form part of who can make it. I don’t know just how good my genes are, but I know they haven’t stopped me so far. I do feel like my fingers don’t adapt well to small holds and they tend to ache easily when I try to train them too hard, but apart from that I don’t know where the ceiling is. If I could look up and see it would that make a difference? Maybe, but the real joy is that it’s a glass ceiling. I won’t know I’m close until I hit it. I guess all this nonsense is just me saying that I want to hit that glass ceiling and what motivates me is the fact that I haven’t hit it yet. I want to find out how far I can get and I’m happy to put energy into the process of finding out. This is why I’m so interested to see hard boulder problems because I can view them with the thought of “is this really possible for me?” rattling around my mind. I actually look forward to the day that I see a move and think that I will never be able to do it. But that is almost an impossible desire because I have so much belief in hard work paying off. Ultimately, I am just trying to reach my personal best and in the pursuit of that I’ve made a slew of sacrifices, but they’re all worth it I think.

L’Étranger has been downloaded by lots of you and whilst I’ve received positive feedback, I also thank those of you who pointed out the problems and the possible roads to improvement. As I’ve said all along, this was a first effort, and in fact, only destined for a rather small audience. That pathway ended up turning out a little differently, with my server getting slayed and then my site going down. It’s fixed now, and I also have a torrent on the go which you can use to get the film. All the links are in the posts below. Obviously you are still free to make a donation, just email me if you want to find out how.