English man in Font

It would seem that my body has finally dealt with whatever virus was resident. The blood tests didn’t find anything, so all I can say is that I WAS an ill mo-fo but now I’m getting back on my feet. I’ve felt pretty dire for the past 5 weeks. First this virus, then the shell of a virus torn body that I was trying to force up my board, and now finally a body that is returning to strength. I’ve had all sorts of thoughts in the past few weeks, as always happens when you step back from a rapid pursuit of your goals, and I’ve had a chance to refine them a little so perhaps they are ready for the world.

My motivation for climbing has really dwindled. Being away from climbing is never easy at the beginning, because it’s usually so integrated in my daily routine, but after 2 weeks it felt almost normal not to be training or climbing. I was filling my time with other things, reading, writing, video editing, watching films, and all the things that normal people must do with their time. I realised how easy it would be to not be a climber. I think these dark thoughts were combined with a deep sense that any element of fun had fled from both my climbing and my training. Perhaps this is just part of the post trip blues that is a virus all of us feel when returning home from various adventures. But my thoughts seemed darker than this. Trying to find the motivation to go into the board when my body was at 50% was almost impossible. I even started questioning the reasons why I climb, what it’s for, what purpose it serves.  I’ve written before that climbing is simply a joyous tool that I use to push myself forward, and without it I would probably use another sport or activity. Some “purists” might look upon this notion as very untraditional and perhaps think I’m missing the point. But the reason we choose to enjoy various inputs is only a simple result of how we’ve moved through life, the path we’ve taken. There is no nobility in climbing, nothing that elevates it above any other art form, but I’ve always enjoyed it more, which is reason enough to continue unabated. In the last few weeks I’d felt no fun, no joy, no spark to continue. My thoughts revolved around the fact that climbing is an inherently selfish activity that does nothing for others and is ultimately useless (in itself). I am absolutely sure many of will disagree (and that’s a good thing!) but I did find some answers after watching a Jet Li film about Wushu. In this film the main protagonist was questioning why he practised wushu and basically in between all the cheap film philosophy I found a grain of inspiration. We practice whatever we practice as a tool to better ourselves, to answer questions about ourselves, and the thing we practice is irrelevant (but should remain the thing you have the most fun doing). Climbing has taught me things about my resolve, my determination, my drive, about dealing with failure, about success, and it has led me to meet great people and see amazing places. I am so grateful for all these things and I guess it’s all these things that spur me on. Also, I’ve probably come too far to quit now (this is a joke – but what’s that smiths song?).

Whilst thinking about all these things I started finding inspiration in all sorts of places. I guess it’s the age old truth that if you are looking for something you’ll see it everywhere you look, and I’m sure that both consciously and unconsciously, I was looking for inspiration. I would hear a song lyric by Jay-Z saying “this is the oath; to the top or broke” and would find empathy with it. I’d hear a Wimbledon commentator say that what we see on court is a pinnacle of all the long hours and hard work that the player puts in to reach this point.  I’d remember interviews with great artists who professed to have strived endlessly in the face of defeat before reaching greatness. This is a risk I want to take. I want to face defeat and find out if I can succeed.

It also helps that I finally had a session in my board where I felt at about 80% ability. I’m purposefully avoiding writing 80% strength anymore, as I think it’s a redundant thing to write. Climbing is far more than strength, so to make statements about how strong I felt is completely valid but a useless measure of how I’m climbing. I think my body is free of any viral shackles and I’m really happy about that. It felt good to once again do hard moves, to be able to grip bad holds, and to feel motivated. My thoughts are once again drifting to my goals of returing to Branson and the vows I made whilst I was there. Ultimately to improve in climbing I think it’s long term steadfastness that pays off. These small waivers that occur to psyche have to be accounted for, accepted, but then pushed through. I’m pushing on now, finding my feet staying on the screw ons, and my arms moving swiftly between the holds. That’s a good feeling, a feeling in which I find joy, and the feeling that is helping me regain inspiration and return to crushing blocs.